DeaR DiaRY 8-22-11
i LeaRNeD HoW To WRiTe BuT MoM HaS To HeLP WiTH SPeLLiNG
DeaR DiaRY 8-28-11
ToDAY i PlaYeD WiTH MY SiBLiNGS. i aLSo PlaYeD WiTH THe DoGS. TheY aRe NiCe.
dear diary 9-4-11
I got some cheese from mr and mrs today. i like cheese. i learned lots of small letters. THESE ARE BIG LETTERS and these are small letters.
Dear Diary, 9-11-11
Mom says I have improved in writing. She told me about PUCSHUACHION. That is a big word, but I spelled it myself.
Dear Diary 9-18-11
Mr. and Mrs. are doing something with a bent piece of plastic. Pictures are on one side and there are buttons with letters like the ones I am writing on the side they set on the table. There is also something they call a mouse that they move with their paws. I think Mom needs to teach the humans about mice, because I saw that thing, and it was NOT a mouse. It didn’t even have fur! Sometimes they stroke its back and the pictures and letters on the plastic go down and down. I do not know what the plastic thing is. Oh. I just asked Mom and she says it is a CUMPOOTER. I spelled that myself. Mom lets me spell some words by myself. I am going to stop writing now because my paws hurt.
Dear Diary, 9-25-11
Mom taught us how to catch mice today. She graded us on our learning. Here is the order from highest grade to lowest grade: Meatloaf, Pork Chop (that’s me!), Roast Beef, and Sausage. Sausage only lost because she tripped and scared away the mice. She falls down a lot because she is clumsy. But I can’t see Sausage anymore, because some humans came and took her away. Some other humans took Meatloaf. Now only Roast Beef and I are left, and I am very sad. I wonder where my sisters went. I hope I can see them soon. Did you notice that my writing is better? I have been practicing so it won’t be so jiggly.
Dear Diary, 10-10-11
I have not written for a while because something very exciting happened. One day some people came into the house. There were several small humans and a big one. They started playing with me and the dogs. They laughed a lot. Then they picked me up and put me in their big rolling thing that Mrs. calls a CAR, and they took me away! I was scared, and I wondered when they would bring me back to Mom. They took me into their house and put me down. I did not know what to do, so I hid. They got lots of rolly things and stringy things for me to play with. They were very kind but also VERY loud. My ears hurt after they shouted and laughed at me. I miss Mom and Roast Beef a lot, but it is exciting here
P. S. The humans call me “Jinx” now. What is wrong with “Pork Chop?”
Dear Diary, 10-28-11
Today an amazing thing happened. These tiny, wet, cold, white things just started falling out of the sky! It was… it was EXTRAORDINARY! (I don’t know why “extra ordinary” means “amazing,” but it does.) At first when I saw it I was scared because I thought the sky was crumbling into pieces. But the sky is still there, so I’m pretty sure it’s not that. I’m just going to call it sky-crumbles though, because I don’t know what it is. The humans were all excited and ran outside with lots of extra fabric on top of them to keep them warm. They stomped around and made white balls stacked on top of each other, and slid down hills on strange pieces of bright plastic. It looked like fun, so I went outside to see what it was like. Diary, do not ever, EVER step on white sky crumbles. They stick to your fur and melt and get you sopping wet. And I HATE getting wet. I stayed inside after that. The humans came in after a long time and made something in a bowl. They used sky crumbles and milk and some other things, and then they ATE it! Yes, the humans actually ate the sky crumbles.
P. S. I still haven’t seen Mom and Roast Beef. I am beginning to think that maybe I’ll never see them again. That was a sad face.
Dear Diary, 11-09-11
Nothing unusual has happened, except that I’ve been practicing my handwriting. Do you like it? I think it is very nice, but it takes me a long time to write. The humans are beginning to talk about “Thanksgiving,” whatever that means.
Dear Diary, 11-18-11
I found out what Thanksgiving was! It is a time when humans take time to remember all of their blessings (I have no idea what a “blessing” is, so don’t ask me) and also eat a lot of food. Food sounds good to me, even if I don’t know what a “blessing” is.
Dear Diary, 12-11-11
The humans have this noise on incessantly (new word!) that they call CHRISTMAS MUSIC. They seem to like it, especially when it is extra bad. It hurts my ears. The humans brought a TREE in the house today! It was a very tall evergreen tree. They put it in a room and hung all sorts of things on it, like lights and shiny balls. (I wanted to play with the shiny balls really badly, but I didn’t because the humans would not like that.) Then they gave the tree water and gazed at it admiringly. I don’t think bringing a tree in the house is a good idea AT ALL! What if a spider climbs out of the needles? It makes me shiver just thinking about it.
Dear Diary, 12-25-15
Today all the humans went wild! They tore open boxes wrapped with bright, glittering paper. They screeched and yelled and oohed and ahhed over everything they took out. They call this CHRISTMAS. Humans are very, very strange.
Dear Diary, 1-10-12
I have to write a “12” on the end of my date because it’s a new year! I met some beautiful lady cats around the barn today. I like them very much. I think I’ll marry one of them one day. (But don’t tell them I said that!)
Dear Diary, 1-23-12
Nothing much is going on except I visit sometimes with a beautiful lady cat named Rabbit. (Of all the nerve! To call a cat RABBIT!) She is the one I want to marry the most.
Dear Diary, 2-11-12
I am HEARTBROKEN! Rabbit doesn’t like me anymore! She is going to get married to another cat. He is huge and ugly and mean. I don’t like him at all, and Rabbit shouldn’t either. Well, if she doesn’t know a good cat when she sees one, then – then… Well, I’ll never speak to her again! Diary, I am extremely heartsick and sorrowful. Life is hardly worth living now that Rabbit doesn’t like me.
Dear Diary, 2-26-12
I am so happy right now I could burst! No, Rabbit isn’t going to marry me (I solemnly vow never to say her name again) but I CAUGHT MY FIRST MOUSE! Well sure, I caught a mouse at survival class with Mom, but she helped me that time. This time I did it all by myself! It happened like this: I was walking around, looking for Rab… I mean I was just walking around doing nothing when I smelled something suspicious. Yes, that was definitely a strong mouse stench! I could have got so excited that I meowed and scared the mouse away like Roast Beef did once, but I didn’t. I kept as cu as a coolcumber – I mean as cool as a cucumber – and tiptoed ever so quietly towards the smell. Sure enough, there was the mouse! He was the biggest, cleverest, smartest mouse you ever did see, Diary – he was most as big as a rabbit… no a DOG… why, he was most as big as an EPHELAFONT! – but I caught him easy as pie. It was the slyest thing you ever did see, Diary. I just crept up, slowly and softly (that mouse never heard a thing), and then I POUNCED! I took a flying leap, probably 15 feet in the air, and then I just sailed down on top of him. Boy was he surprised! He just about died of fright when he saw me there, my razor-sharp teeth gleaming in the moonlight (uh, sunlight) and growling most ferociously. He probably thought I was a lion! (I have to admit, there was a strong resemblance.) Well then I just lit into him. I caught him up in my iron jaws and carried him for a while. Then I let him down and played a little game of cat and mouse. I would turn my back, and he would think he was free, but then I’d whirl around, quick as lightning, and swat him flying. Then I’d walk away and he’d get up again and run for home, but he never got anywhere. I took care of that. After a while the game got boring because I always won, so I just went and ATE him. My, he was delicious! He was the best thing I ever tasted! He had a strong, savory flavor, with a hint of citrus butter around the edges. My mouth is watering just remembering it! And now I’m afraid I can’t write anymore, Diary, because I’m off to catch another mouse!
Dear Diary, 3-12-12 to 5-1-12
I have spent a long time compiling an ensiclowpeedia (I spelled that my self) of human words and their meanings. Now I am ready to present it to you!
Humans – First I shall give you a complete description of humans in case you have never seen one up close. Humans stand on their hind-legs, and they use their front legs to do all sorts of things, like feeding me. Each of their four paws are split into five thin pieces. The longer ones on their front paws they call “fingers” and the shorter ones on their hind paws they call “toes.” Humans have long fur on the tops of their heads, but they barely have any on the rest of their body! (Sounds kind of like those ugly hairless cats to me – BLECCH!) I have noticed that the lady humans generally have longer head-fur and they put all sorts of things in it. They say it’s to keep it tidy, but I think it makes it look messier. Humans’ noses are not at all like the delicate instruments we cats have. Some human noses are HUGE, and some are not too big, but you can be assured that the ugliest cat nose will beat the pretties human nose any day. Humans’ lips are very strange too. They are usually a thick line of light pink, unless a human paints its lips with a different color. Gross!
Clothes – Since the humans don’t have proper fur, they need artificial fur to stay warm. They call this artificial fur “clothing” or “clothes.” The humans (some more than others) seem to take pride in having several different sets of artificial fur in quite unnatural colors. Often the fur will have designs or pictures stamped on it. It seems to me it would be a lot easier if the humans just stuck to one kind of fur, like we do!
Washing Machine – the humans seem somehow reluctant to lick themselves or their fur clean, so instead they have a strange machine to clean their “clothes” for them. They dump their dirty sets of fur in a hole in the machine, shut a lid, and push several buttons. When the machine turns on, it makes a terrifying whirring sound.
Baths – Just as the washing machine is the human’s way of cleaning their artificial fur, baths are their way of cleaning the rest of themselves. You know what a normal cat-bath is – a lick or two and your done – but I’ll bet you’d be astonished at a human bath! First, the humans take off their artificial fur, then – here comes the shocker – they get into WATER! Yes, you heard me right, the humans actually take their baths in WATER! I can’t stand getting caught in a sprinkle, much less getting drenched on purpose! Humans are strange, strange beings.
Vacuum Cleaner – You know I said the washing machine was terrifying? Well it is NOTHING compared to the dreaded “vacuum cleaner.” It is an awful machine the humans use for cleaning their floors. (Humans are obsessed with cleaning things.) They pull a long black string out of the end of it, stick the end of the string into the wall, and (gulp!) turn it on! Then… then the machine starts emitting an exceedingly earsplitting roar, and the mouth at the end of it’s long neck sucks up anything and everything in its path. No doubt it could… GULP!… suck up a cat! I – I’ve never tried an experiment to see if that would work, and I never want to. Let’s move on to the next subject.
Food, etc. – Humans have very strange eating habits. I will explain what the things are, and then put the human word in parentheses. They sit up at this long piece of wood (table), and put several strange tools and utensils (silverware) in front of them to eat with. The humans not only have strange eating utensils, but they also eat strange things and eat them in a strange way. For example, I will tell you about their meal today. First they all sat around the “table,” then they closed their eyes and bowed their heads and and the man human talked for a bit, and then they began eating. They were having “hot-dogs” which seem to be a favorite among humans. Though I have learned to thoroughly hate dogs, I think it repulsive that humans actually cook and eat them. I mean, one moment they’re hugging and petting a dog, and the next moment they sit down to a meal of “hot dogs!” But I digress… Most of the humans used their paws to hold a “fork” or “spoon” to eat their food, but some just used their paws, which seems wisest to me. There was other food too: some large crispy, yellowish flakes, and some crunchy orange sticks that they dipped in white gooey stuff and ate.
Dear Diary, 6-15-12
The lady and girl humans went “shopping” and came back with a FISH! Of all the things that could live in my house, why a FISH? They call him Billy – I could have chosen a better name, but of course they didn’t ask me. I have to admit, he is kind of a pretty color – a dark, almost purple, blue – but you also have to admit that he is a VERY boring pet. All he does is swim and eat. Now I, on the other hand, am handsome and interesting and… but I guess I won’t list all of my good traits or it would take too long.
Dear Diary, 7-11-12
There has been an infestation of mice, and I hardly have time to write, I am so busy catching mice! Ah, the glories of being a cat! One other thing – I seem to be getting just a touch wider from my mouse feasts. Nah, it’s probably my imagination.
Dear Diary, 8-21-12
The humans have noticed that I gained a little bit of weight. I think I heard one LAUGHING at me! Of all the nerve! What’s a cat to do if he can’t do his job without being laughed at?!
Dear Diary, 9-29-12
I’m going to list all my nicknames. (I can’t be sure I spelled them right, because human sounds are hard to translate into Catese.) Jinxy, Jinxy-boy, Spooch (I hate this one!), Kitty Moocher, Cat, Good Boy, Bad Boy. My personal favorite is “Bad Boy.” It just rolls off the tongue like mouse pie. Ahh! But for some reason, the humans don’t look happy when they call me that, and they usually say it really loudly. I wonder why?
Dear Diary, 10-20-12
This will be my last entry in you, Diary #1, because this your last page. I’ll have to start a Diary #2, I suppose. But before I leave, I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with you. Maybe one day this Diary will become famous, and I will make sure to give some of the credit to your lovely smooth paper and straight lines. Farewell, dearest Diary!
Yours truly, Jinx The Marvelous