Jinx is back with the rest of his diary! (See part 1 here.)
My favorite entry on here is the first (rather lengthy) one. XD
Dear Diary, 3-12-12 to 5-1-12
I have spent a long time compiling an ensiclowpeedia (I spelled that my self) of human words and their meanings. Now I am ready to present it to you!
Humans – First I shall give you a complete description of humans in case you have never seen one up close. Humans stand on their hind-legs, and they use their front legs to do all sorts of things, like feeding me. Each of their four paws are split into five thin pieces. The longer ones on their front paws they call “fingers” and the shorter ones on their hind paws they call “toes.” Humans have long fur on the tops of their heads, but they barely have any on the rest of their body! (Sounds kind of like those ugly hairless cats to me – BLECCH!) I have noticed that the lady humans generally have longer head-fur and they put all sorts of things in it. They say it’s to keep it tidy, but I think it makes it look messier. Humans’ noses are not at all like the delicate instruments we cats have. Some human noses are HUGE, and some are not too big, but you can be assured that the ugliest cat nose will beat the pretties human nose any day. Humans’ lips are very strange too. They are usually a thick line of light pink, unless a human paints its lips with a different color. Gross!
Clothes – Since the humans don’t have proper fur, they need artificial fur to stay warm. They call this artificial fur “clothing” or “clothes.” The humans (some more than others) seem to take pride in having several different sets of artificial fur in quite unnatural colors. Often the fur will have designs or pictures stamped on it. It seems to me it would be a lot easier if the humans just stuck to one kind of fur, like we do!
Washing Machine – the humans seem somehow reluctant to lick themselves or their fur clean, so instead they have a strange machine to clean their “clothes” for them. They dump their dirty sets of fur in a hole in the machine, shut a lid, and push several buttons. When the machine turns on, it makes a terrifying whirring sound.
Baths – Just as the washing machine is the human’s way of cleaning their artificial fur, baths are their way of cleaning the rest of themselves. You know what a normal cat-bath is – a lick or two and your done – but I’ll bet you’d be astonished at a human bath! First, the humans take off their artificial fur, then – here comes the shocker – they get into WATER! Yes, you heard me right, the humans actually take their baths in WATER! I can’t stand getting caught in a sprinkle, much less getting drenched on purpose! Humans are strange, strange beings.
Vacuum Cleaner – You know I said the washing machine was terrifying? Well it is NOTHING compared to the dreaded “vacuum cleaner.” It is an awful machine the humans use for cleaning their floors. (Humans are obsessed with cleaning things.) They pull a long black string out of the end of it, stick the end of the string into the wall, and (gulp!) turn it on! Then… then the machine starts emitting an exceedingly earsplitting roar, and the mouth at the end of it’s long neck sucks up anything and everything in its path. No doubt it could… GULP!… suck up a cat! I – I’ve never tried an experiment to see if that would work, and I never want to. Let’s move on to the next subject.
Food, etc. – Humans have very strange eating habits. I will explain what the things are, and then put the human word in parentheses. They sit up at this long piece of wood (table), and put several strange tools and utensils (silverware) in front of them to eat with. The humans not only have strange eating utensils, but they also eat strange things and eat them in a strange way. For example, I will tell you about their meal today. First they all sat around the “table,” then they closed their eyes and bowed their heads and and the man human talked for a bit, and then they began eating. They were having “hot-dogs” which seem to be a favorite among humans. Though I have learned to thoroughly hate dogs, I think it repulsive that humans actually cook and eat them. I mean, one moment they’re hugging and petting a dog, and the next moment they sit down to a meal of “hot dogs!” But I digress… Most of the humans used their paws to hold a “fork” or “spoon” to eat their food, but some just used their paws, which seems wisest to me. There was other food too: some large crispy, yellowish flakes, and some crunchy orange sticks that they dipped in white gooey stuff and ate.
Dear Diary, 6-15-12
The lady and girl humans went “shopping” and came back with a FISH! Of all the things that could live in my house, why a FISH? They call him Billy – I could have chosen a better name, but of course they didn’t ask me. I have to admit, he is kind of a pretty color – a dark, almost purple, blue – but you also have to admit that he is a VERY boring pet. All he does is swim and eat. Now I, on the other hand, am handsome and interesting and… but I guess I won’t list all of my good traits or it would take too long.
Dear Diary, 7-11-12
There has been an infestation of mice, and I hardly have time to write, I am so busy catching mice! Ah, the glories of being a cat! One other thing – I seem to be getting just a touch wider from my mouse feasts. Nah, it’s probably my imagination.
Dear Diary, 8-21-12
The humans have noticed that I gained a little bit of weight. I think I heard one LAUGHING at me! Of all the nerve! What’s a cat to do if he can’t do his job without being laughed at?!
Dear Diary, 9-29-12
I’m going to list all my nicknames. (I can’t be sure I spelled them right, because human sounds are hard to translate into Catese.) Jinxy, Jinxy-boy, Spooch (I hate this one!), Kitty Moocher, Cat, Good Boy, Bad Boy. My personal favorite is “Bad Boy.” It just rolls off the tongue like mouse pie. Ahh! But for some reason, the humans don’t look happy when they call me that, and they usually say it really loudly. I wonder why?
Dear Diary, 10-20-12
This will be my last entry in you, Diary #1, because this your last page. I’ll have to start a Diary #2, I suppose. But before I leave, I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with you. Maybe one day this Diary will become famous, and I will make sure to give some of the credit to your lovely smooth paper and straight lines. Farewell, dearest Diary!
Yours truly, Jinx The Marvelous
XD What was your favorite part?
Oh, and in case you were wondering, we no longer have Billy the fish because he died. 😦 But we do have a tank of fish on our windowsill. Here are two pictures of Jinx looking longingly at them. (Sorry ’bout the cloudy water. )